Tag Archives: emotions

My Three wishes at 12:12pm on 12-12-2012

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My three wishes on 12-12-2012 at 12:12pm

For the Earth
I wish that all human kind realizes the damage they are doing and creating by their lifestyle and greed. I wish for an end to pollution, damage and desecration to all forests and lands and we all learn together to save what we have left.

For the Community
I wish for an understanding and communication. I wish for education and peace and love. We should all learn to work together for our futures and the futures of our children and their children

For Myself
I wish for a life with more security, more happiness, a home, abundant love, friendliness, success in all my undertakings. Safety and care for all my family and all whom I love. I wish for this Company we have started to succeed and be all that we hope for.

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Changes

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Changes

My life is a huge bunch of changes at the moment and I feel discombobulated.

Change A
We have decided to sell the restaurant and the house and leave Mozambique to go back to Zimbabwe. It is only a three hour drive from Beira, Mozambique to Mutare, the Zimbabwe border town, but we don’t plan on stopping in Mutare. No, when I choose to do things I make sure I do it on a large and grand scale. We are moving all the way across Zimbabwe right up to the snout of the “pigs head”, Victoria Falls. In my craziness I have opted to pack up the house in Beira, my flat in Mutare, my son’s flat in Mutare as he is joining the venture and transport six cats and two dogs and about six or so various people on a journey which, hopefully, will take two days of slow and careful driving. I am dreading it and whereas, normally, I can picture stages in my journeys and imagine how things will work out, this time my mind is a total blank.
This change was decided two months ago as we have a friend who owns a restaurant in The Falls who has gone through a huge amount of bad changes himself suddenly and was ready to give up his dream and life’s work due to all of his problems. My other half has been constantly moaning about his lot in life here and wanting to change things, so I suggested why don’t we join up forces with the Falls contingent. The offer was leapt upon!!! I was quite amazed at the response as from listening to both parties moaning for a couple of months this thought had been in my head for a while and to my way of thinking it was a natural conclusion. Why hadn’t they thought of it? Within a weekend we had planned it all. Both my sons also needed to change their lives so were giving up what they are doing and coming into the business with us. We were going to sell the house and the restaurant here and invest in various things that side starting a company in the process and everything was go, go, go and we were all very excited with plans and dreams.
This is Mozambique, don’t make plans or deadlines and expect them to be kept. Due to seriously dumb administration it turned out that both the house and the restaurant weren’t actually owned by my other half. We couldn’t find out who owned it at all. No deeds had been drawn up, no papers signed, no transfers. I was amazed. Never in my existence had I ever heard of someone owning a piece of land for twenty years but not owning it!! Paying taxes and rents and dues etc but having absolutely no paperwork showing ownership!! Unheard of and unbelievable and so, so stupid in any country in Africa, never mind one that is not your birth country. Land here can be taken away from you on a whim and if any of the power hungry politicos heard about this gross mess, we would certainly be out on our ear. Luckily – we found a very good lawyer and with much “under the table financing”, slowly things have progressed and maybe, maybe, another two weeks.
I am not even thinking about it. I have stopped packing and am living out of the boxes I had already packed. I refuse to jinx the whole operation again by hoping and planning so I have stopped and moved over to a path where I sort of wander along daily trying to keep myself busy.
Christmas is coming and every year I craft and decorate and love celebrating Christmas. This year my craft stuff is mostly packed with some in Mutare and as I am so determined not to think anything negative or plan anything, I have kept a few crafts out and am crocheting and sewing things for little nephews and nieces. Cannot say if they will actually get them as I probably will pack them and forget where but anything to keep my mind busy.

Change B
The Change!!! Why the hell is it happening now? I had a hysterectomy nearly twenty years ago and have had a very hormonally crazy life since then, but I thought I had missed The Change, The dreaded mad Menopause. Now, going into the hellishly, hottest months in Beira, when I am trying to plan and coordinate a huge move and start of a new life and have to have all my wits about me as the males in my life sincerely aren’t the brightest lightbulbs, my body has let me down. I am breaking out in horrific sweats, my joints ache, I can’t sleep and lie awake panicking about the future and I have turned into a forgetful, snapping witch.
Over the past couple of weeks I have watched in astonishment as my middle area suddenly ballooned and I developed a roll!! For no reason that I could see. I wasn’t eating any different or behaving any different and yet my jeans wouldn’t do up. If anything I was eating less as it is too hot in this place to eat. I upped my running, yoga and other exercise and kept as busy as possible. Then my body seemed to pack up, my joints started to ache and pain, sometimes continuously. I thought I was overdoing the exercise so I cut right back and only did yoga.
The pain has continued though and some days I cannot rest at all as my ankles are so sore. Nights are a nightmare, I wake up in a bath of sweat and realise I have pain in some joint, either my ankles or my back or my shoulders and then I cannot get back to sleep again as I start worrying about things. Really pointless, stupid worrying about totally mundane ideas that suddenly develop into huge mental problems which keep me awake trying to solve and sort. I read somewhere that not sleeping enough can make you fat so as I lay not sleeping I worry about that as well, and of course don’t sleep.
Days have become a an exhausting cycle of battling to get up in the morning and then struggling through the day with aches and pains popping up everywhere and sweating, always sweating. Its actually so hot in Beira that I often cannot figure out if I am sweating normally or from a hot flush. I have lost all my energy and mojo and to do anything is an exhausting trial, even to think about doing something exhausts me.
For months now I have been scratching. I thought I had an allergy, then excema, maybe the stress, the heat, I have spent hours on the internet trying to see why I am scratching. I have had to rub tonnes of cream on to prevent myself scratching my skin raw and bleeding. What really worries me though is my mind has been taken over by aliens, my memory is now a sieve and I have lost what little intelligence I had. When I first noticed this happening I was seriously worried that I was developing Parkinsons or Alzheimers or some such age disease.
This morning I woke up and just lay in bed wondering how I could get up and try to do a bit of yoga, or even just get through the day. Friday is my grocery shopping day but the thought of trying to go round hot smelly crazy town just drained me. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t even seem to open my eyes! I just lay there for maybe an hour just trying to be, you know the feeling, just be, at one with the bed and the cool air conditioned air. Then as I felt another hot sweaty flush starting to roll over my body, I suddenly thought to myself “Duh, you stupid woman, its the menopause”. It was like a flash in my brain.
I googled all my symptoms, I googled menopause, I googled menopause blogs, I googled treatments, natural and medical I googled everything remotely related. It all matched up! The knowledge doesn’t help me much as living where I do there are no doctors to speak to, I am going to have to wait until I get to civilisation to get it all confirmed and sorted. I am not sure when that will be so I have searched the town for some of the more natural products I saw on google. Not much luck there either surprisingly as I had thought with the number of Chinese and Indians we have here that surely I would find some natural remedies. You can buy any drug you want here over the counter and without a prescription so this was quite disappointing. It’s a males town.
I am going to have to learn to live with the discomfort and keep as positive as I can and take it slow and easy. One step at a time. What an awful phase to go through though and I hope it ends soon. Any advice would be appreciated.
Menopause

Don’t just realise your intuition, act on it too.

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I was attacked this week. Not badly, I wasn’t hurt much and never had anything taken away from me but I feel violated, exposed, used and invaded – and so, so angry.
I walk just about every morning. I am a morning person and love that time of the day when the whole world is waking up and because there are not many people about, I feel as though I am a discoverer, an explorer. Wherever I have lived or wherever I have visited, I go on early morning walks. I never go the same way two times running and vary each and every journey with an unexpected twist or turn as to my whim. In more remote or unsafe areas, I never wear jewellery, never carry cameras etc and I always carry a stick of some sorts. The stick is mainly to ward off the dogs which often chase me!!
No matter how early you get up in Beira, there are always fishermen out on the ocean trying to earn their living; their wives and often their children as well, waiting for them on the beach, curled up together, asleep under their kapulana cloths if it is still too early and dark and chilly. The fishermen follow the tides. They lay out their nets and leave them for a turn of the tide, then row out in their small canoes, often made from a hollowed out tree trunk and retrieve their, hopefully, laden nets after the tide has turned.
Their wives and families wait on the beach and then clean the nets of the sellable catch, chucking the unwanted jellyfish and other inedible ocean occupants onto the sand. If these can survive until the tide reaches them again then I always hope they make it to live another day, but often I come upon piles of dead and dying jellyfish mixed with crabs which were too small and were left on their backs so could not burrow back into the protecting sand. This angers me as it seem such a waste of life and some days I spend hours trying to return some of their catch back to the sea.
The buckets of small fish and shrimp the wives take to the roadside markets to sell, it is the staple diet in Mozambique. If the tides are low and the sun is right they spread part of their catch out in a patchwork quilt on the beach and leave it to dry before gathering and selling in the markets. From our house we can smell the days when the catch has been good or when the sun is right for drying – the strong smell of ocean fish drying carries inland on the breezes.
Once the sun has risen and the canoes have not yet come in, the women dig for clams along the tide line. Long lines of upturned sand disturbing the glassy smoothness of the tide washed beach. Clams can only be dug in the mornings and must be kept as fresh as possible and they are also sold on the roadsides and in the markets, but only in the mornings. If they are still for sale in the afternoon you know they are no longer edible. Most of the clam sellers boil and eat them themselves by lunch time, which creates another market and roadside business for the ever enterprising peoples of this town.
I get on very well with the fishermen and the women and we greet each other happily as I look over their catches or check what is in their baskets. I have been walking the beach here for four years now and have never felt threatened or had a problem. Every morning is such an exciting experience for me I glory in the happiness.
Occasionally though, I have started taking my camera with me. When I know the tide is going to be out and the beach more interesting, the sunrises and sunsets are so stunning, the scuttling crabs pose so comically, the wave ripples and swirls so beautiful that I just have to try and capture the moment. I take it once in a while and try never to pull it out of my pocket when I am on my own, I normally use it when the beaches have awakened with people.
On Tuesday I took my camera and got some lovely pictures of the crabs and the dawn of the day. I had a lovely walk. My whole day held a feeling of happiness and joy because of my happy experiences of the morning.
On Wednesday I, very stupidly, took my camera again and followed the exact same route as for Tuesday. As soon as I walked onto the beach I felt a bad feeling inside me. I did not feel happy or excited, I felt… wrong.
The beach stretched welcoming and calling. The tide was at its turn and the waves were small gentle ripples in the bronze grey light of the dawn. Beira’s beaches are divided into portions by eroded and wave washed stone and concrete retaining walls called groins. The stretch of beach I was on was deserted but I noticed one other person two groins up from me digging on the beach. As I noticed him I felt the unsettling urge to move back to the road rush through me again. Looking back down the beach in the other direction I noticed about five groins away the fishermen launching canoes and getting ready for their day. The sun was not yet risen so everything was bathed in its pre-dawn bronze gold. It would be ok, I would take my shoes off and walk fast down to where the fishermen were.
Against the unaccustomed displeasure at my surroundings swirling through my body I walked down to the water line and started towards the fishermen. I remember feeling very disjointed and overly aware of everything around me. About half way to where I was heading I turned to see where the other beach walker was and noticed he was walking in the same direction as me and seemed to have gained ground.
At the same time as noticing him I saw the sunrise!! It was beautiful, stunning and orange. The beach was bathed in a rippling blanket of fire. Without thinking I took my camera out and happily clicked away. My intuition practically hit me over the head, but I paid no attention, put my camera back in my pocket and carried on walking. Fast.
I glanced back again and now saw this man running parallel with me, between me and the road. When he saw me looking at him he turned and ran straight for me.
My instinct really took over then and everything slowed down like a disjointed, jerky movie reel. I knew he was coming for me, I knew what he wanted, I knew what he was going to do but I felt absolutely powerless and fear froze me. He came right up to me, right into me space and spoke in Portuguese. I didn’t understand him and realised I had to act as if I wasn’t on my own. I side stepped away from him and pretended to wave and call to someone behind him up on the road. I tried to put space between us as if I had somewhere to go and someone to go to, just glancing at him, smiling and then calling to my imaginery friend. At first he believed me and looking up to the road moved away but just when I thought maybe I would get away he realised what I was doing and came at me again, this time throwing punches and grabbing at my shirt and my breasts. I started screaming!!
I screamed out of fear as I suddenly realised I was in a situation I had no control over. I realised I could get seriously hurt and I realised I had been very stupid not to act on my intuition.
I screamed with all my might, I shouted and then started hitting back. My walking stick is heavy and solid and I beat him as hard as I could on the head and shoulders. I screamed and shouted, beating and pushing and even kicking. Suddenly I realised I wasn’t scared anymore, I was angry. I saw in his eyes that I was hurting him but he was determined to get my camera. My small $30 happy snappy camera!! Somewhere inside me I realised that he was very confused by this unexpected anger and retaliation. He had not expected confrontation, he had expected an easy target. He had not expected the stick, the screaming and then he noticed that my shouts had now brought spectators. This was not what he had wanted. He started moving away, tried to start running, but now I wouldn’t let him go. I was so angry at him for messing up my beautiful morning experience that I was determined to make him suffer. I threw my shoes at him, threw my stick at his head, I chased after him, my adrenalin pushing me. But he made it away.
It took me a long, long time to calm down. I was shaking so much I could no longer stand so just sat down in the sand. My heart was beating very fast and the adrenalin was pumping through me. I sat there calming my breathing, staring out to sea, my whole body was shaking, watching the morning wake up but not noticing.
Slowly I came back to reality and noticed my stick and shoes had been placed beside me on the wet sand. I noticed people walking back and forth around me, but no-one seemed to be paying any attention to me. I could no longer see my attacker but I still felt threatened and very sad. My lovely morning ritual was spoilt, ruined. I would never feel safe doing this again.
Slowly I picked up my stick and shoes and walked back to the road where I sat on the pavement to dust the beach sand off my feet and put my shoes on. I had a half hour walk to get home but I did not feel like doing it. I felt so low and sad and disillusioned. I sat and watched the world go by me, glancing at each person feeling one of them may have been my attacker. Slowly I got up and made my way home but as I walked my disillusionment and fear turned to anger. I arrived home seething with anger. Anger at the man for spoiling my day, anger for missing out on a beautiful morning ritual, anger because I knew it would never be the same again and mostly anger at myself.
I was so angry at myself for not trusting and following my intuition. It was my fault this had happened, I only had myself to blame. The angels, the universe, buddha, the ocean, the earth, everything, had all tried to warn me. That is what intuition is all about, and I had not paid any attention!!

orange & gold

Losing family and friends

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Just like certain flowers flowering in batches, certain fruits ripening in batches, people seeming to fall pregnant in batches, death seems to happen in batches.  This past month I have had the anniversary of my sisters death, and have had the 21 year old brother of a good friend die in a motor bike accident as well as 3 other long known friends passing away.  Does death happen in batches?  Do our circles overlap through life in such a way that they all overlap at a certain time which means death and sadness.  does it depend on how many people we know.  Perhaps it seems as if there are batches because if you know a lot of people then the deaths will be noticeable, whereas if you know only a few people then perhaps only one or two will pass in a close period of time making it not so noticeable and heartbreaking.

Valentines Pain In The Ass Day

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I dont like Valentines Day.  I love Romance and flowers and presents and candles and all but Valentines Day itself has never been very memorable for me.  I cannot remember one when I have not been in an unhappy relationship, or no relationship, or married, or working.

I am told I am being cynical but I just cant see why people try so hard on one day of the year to do something they should be doing all the rest of the year anyway.  If you are in love or happily married then you should show your partner this every day.  Maybe this is why my marriage didnt work, my ex husband only gave me one Valentines present and that was the Valentines Day before we were married.  We were married for fourteen years and after the first few years even I forgot there was such a day.

There have been some occasions I can remember – practically forcing one boyfriend to take me out by doing all the bookings, preparation and paying myself.  Another year a boyfriend, who lived about 50km away, gave my sister-in-law money and told her to buy me things and take me out – he forgot to even phone me!

As I work in Lodges and Restaurants I have often been working on Valentines Day and have been the one to organise everyone else’s happiness.  Some people pull out all the stops and celebrate their love on this one day in full style and I wonder what they do for the rest of the year.   You normally find females are more interested and involved in all the hearts and flowers, the males often do the limit of what is necessary and then sit back and breathe a sigh of relief if it was successful.

I have also noticed that different cultures celebrate either more or less.  In Africa the black africans love valentines and are very generous with their love and declarations.  The  white africans are normally very restrained to the extent where the Afrikaans white african males think it below themselves to do anything about it at all.  Out of the foreign visitors I have watched, the Italians, French and Portuguese love the celebration of Love and celebrate in style.  Whereas the Germans, Swiss, Dutch dont seem very interested at all.  The English and the Americans celebrate the celebration itself.